Trying is the thing.

Oh ma gawd. I'm back at work. Or rather I was earlier today and yesterday. Everything is exactly the same. Eerily so. It's making me feel as if I hadn't been away at all.

Back on the daily train ride again. I've been reading. This is the first time I've read Katherine Mansfield. She is hilarious! Some of the funniest, writing I've read in a very long time. Gorgeous and funny writing. I see now why Virginia Woolf said she was the only writer to incite her jealousy. As I was saying though, back on the old train everyday. I dislike people so much when I have to interact with them but observing them, well gosh, it's one of my favourite things. I especially love to observe friends. Lovers and couples are boring. They are together through a biological imperative to procreate. Chemicals and hormones cause them to abide one another but what about friends? Fascinating. Two random strangers connecting and forming a bond for no observable purpose. Then again, what do I know about anthropology. Perhaps there is some sort of biological benefit to the universe from friend-bonds, but if so, I choose to remain entirely ignorant of it. I like the nonsensical magic of friends. I want to be able to stare and stare. Beside me this morning, two heavily made-up women in their forties, across from each other with high heels and manicures, leaning in toward each other conspiratorially, lowering their voices to tell a scandalous detail or an embarrassing truth. Couldn't I just stare at them? Couldn't I listen closely to their talk? They are relating even though they don't have to. I wouldn't want to talk to either of them individually or befriend them myself in any capacity, but to watch...

Did I mention that I'm back at work? I am. I can't even figure out myself how I feel about it. I know that I don't want to make all the same mistakes. I want to enjoy my free-time more inspite of the fact that I must work most of the days. I want to guard an inner calm and happiness that can't be cracked by the doldrums and dramas of work. I want to stay removed from work life as much as I can to reserve energy for my real life. I want to walk and run and skip and laugh, tee-hee, like that. I want to keep drawing comics. I want to come home after work and feel as though I still have something to give. Ha! I know, I know. Good freaking luck. It's been two days and I already sort of feel that one wrong turn in my head and I'll be weary like an immortal donkey. All these hopes I pronounce, so often failing or falling low of the bar, but still, trying is the thing right? Of course it is.