Miserable fat bastard

Do you ever have the feeling that there is absolutely nothing you want to do and you have no idea what to do with yourself and everything you try makes you miserable? Is that what being depressed is? Or is that just what being a dumb jerk is? Maybe I'm both.
I honestly don't know where that last post came from. I woke up the next day feeling like life was excruciating and being a mother was the hardest thing on earth.

I do have help, but when I get a break, I don't know what to do with myself to feel better. When I don't have help, I wish I did. And so on and so on in a tornado of self-defeat.

Why is mothering so hard? Why is it so hard for me, is the real question. I don't handle responsibility well. It's very stressful to me. I'm a perfectionist who has no faith in her own abilities. That's a recipe for misery right there. I'm tired. I'm lonely and cooped up. I know some women just forge on with their lives and the baby goes along with them and that's that. For some reason, I haven't come even close to mastering this. What would free me to do so? A house (so I didn't have to sit quietly while he naps lest I wake him up)? A car (so I could go places in inclement weather or places far away)? A lobotomy (so I could chill the eff out)?

I really don't know if any of the above would make a difference. If you go back and read any old post on this blog, I'm probably talking about how hard something in my life is or how unhappy I am. Baby or before. It's pitiful and sad. I would love to be happier. I would love to know how to do that. What a waste it is, to drag yourself through every day, missing what's good about it and only feeling what's bad. What a shame that I have such an awesome little son that I can't truly enjoy because I'm such a miserable bastard. A miserable fat bastard as the English say...

Poor kid, you are probably thinking. Well he would be, if he were stuck with me all the time. But he's not. He has grandparents and a happy dad and a mom who tries her damnedest most of the time. I've heard it said that most moms are best during a certain time of their child's life. For example; really good at mothering a teenager or a toddler or an infant. I think I'll be best at having a school age child. I think that's when my skills will come in the most handy.

I'm not really shining forth on the infant stage. It's tough man. It's tough. I find myself envying the age-ed. Retired old people who slowly do their thing. It's warped and misinformed I know. I just have this idyllic vision of a life where you just putter around and no one needs you for anything really. It sounds terrible doesn't it? I know for a fact some of those people would tell me I was a retard for not enjoying my life in the full swing of things.

Honestly, I don't know how to be happy. No matter where I am, or what I'm doing, this blog is a testament to the fact that I simply don't know how to be happy.