Toot Toot.

I was thinking last night, in bed, how I tend to write about all the things I do wrong or poorly and rarely write about what I've done well. I'm not one to toot my own horn, if you will. I decided that I would break that habit and talk about a few things that I am proud of doing with Leon, since that is my biggest responsibility to date and I've been pretty hard on myself about it so far. You know what I was thinking though? Even though it's been hard, really really hard at times, and I sure ain't perfect, on the whole, I've done a good job with this guy.

I'm gonna go even further to say (so if he reads this one day, he won't think his mom was nothing but a whiner) some of the things I'm proud of specifically.

1. Despite a lot of obstacles, including current some current ones, I am still breastfeeding at 9 months. I've felt from the start it was important and even though there's a million times I've had good reason to stop, I haven't.

2. I've made sure that L has lots of time to play and move around. I try not to bundle him up and stick him in a stroller or car seat for too long. It has meant less freedom for me to do things, but I can see the progress he makes everyday from his play and I'm glad I give that to him.

3. Although it's been really tough to sleep so poorly, I got up and did my job of putting him back to sleep countless times for 8 months. Conversely, when I could see it was time that he could start to learn to sleep on his own, I have gritted my teeth and let him a cry a little so he doesn't always need his parents doing it for him. It was something I never wanted to have to do, but admitted it was needed when I saw it was so. I still use it sparingly and always try to make sure he's a happy, clean, full baby before putting him to bed.

4. Learned to ask for help when I needed it so L could benefit from a happier mom.

5. Forced myself to let go of control so that he could be in the care of his father and grandparents sometimes and benefit from their knowledge and style of parenting and care giving.

6. Actively show him new things, teach him words and try everyday, to help him learn something no matter how small.

7. I've learned to wake up everyday and be a mother, no matter how I'm feeling and what I might rather be doing.

8. I've gone from being so depressed some days, that I could barely function, to having months now, where I do my best everyday for Leon.

9. I let him show me who he is and try to encourage what he wants to be and do. Before he was born, I used to think that kids should just integrate into their parents lives, but I see now that a baby needs his own little world to be supported. When he's older, we can show him our world, but now, I feel good that I have let go of some of my own desires and habits to make room for Leon to show us what he needs and likes.

10. I love him a lot and would indeed fight a bear with one hand tied behind my back, on his behalf, if needed.

So none of these things are a judgment on parents who don't do things as I do. The biggest thing I've learned about parenting is that everyone must do what they feel is right. Deep down, we all feel we know best and I think a lot of things, everyone agrees are the "right" thing to do, but there's lots of gray areas too that we all have to work out for ourselves. That's my little disclaimer.

So thanks for allowing me to indulge in some patting of my own back. My therapist would be proud of me!