Toot Toot.

I was thinking last night, in bed, how I tend to write about all the things I do wrong or poorly and rarely write about what I've done well. I'm not one to toot my own horn, if you will. I decided that I would break that habit and talk about a few things that I am proud of doing with Leon, since that is my biggest responsibility to date and I've been pretty hard on myself about it so far. You know what I was thinking though? Even though it's been hard, really really hard at times, and I sure ain't perfect, on the whole, I've done a good job with this guy.

I'm gonna go even further to say (so if he reads this one day, he won't think his mom was nothing but a whiner) some of the things I'm proud of specifically.

1. Despite a lot of obstacles, including current some current ones, I am still breastfeeding at 9 months. I've felt from the start it was important and even though there's a million times I've had good reason to stop, I haven't.

2. I've made sure that L has lots of time to play and move around. I try not to bundle him up and stick him in a stroller or car seat for too long. It has meant less freedom for me to do things, but I can see the progress he makes everyday from his play and I'm glad I give that to him.

3. Although it's been really tough to sleep so poorly, I got up and did my job of putting him back to sleep countless times for 8 months. Conversely, when I could see it was time that he could start to learn to sleep on his own, I have gritted my teeth and let him a cry a little so he doesn't always need his parents doing it for him. It was something I never wanted to have to do, but admitted it was needed when I saw it was so. I still use it sparingly and always try to make sure he's a happy, clean, full baby before putting him to bed.

4. Learned to ask for help when I needed it so L could benefit from a happier mom.

5. Forced myself to let go of control so that he could be in the care of his father and grandparents sometimes and benefit from their knowledge and style of parenting and care giving.

6. Actively show him new things, teach him words and try everyday, to help him learn something no matter how small.

7. I've learned to wake up everyday and be a mother, no matter how I'm feeling and what I might rather be doing.

8. I've gone from being so depressed some days, that I could barely function, to having months now, where I do my best everyday for Leon.

9. I let him show me who he is and try to encourage what he wants to be and do. Before he was born, I used to think that kids should just integrate into their parents lives, but I see now that a baby needs his own little world to be supported. When he's older, we can show him our world, but now, I feel good that I have let go of some of my own desires and habits to make room for Leon to show us what he needs and likes.

10. I love him a lot and would indeed fight a bear with one hand tied behind my back, on his behalf, if needed.

So none of these things are a judgment on parents who don't do things as I do. The biggest thing I've learned about parenting is that everyone must do what they feel is right. Deep down, we all feel we know best and I think a lot of things, everyone agrees are the "right" thing to do, but there's lots of gray areas too that we all have to work out for ourselves. That's my little disclaimer.

So thanks for allowing me to indulge in some patting of my own back. My therapist would be proud of me!

Keep it in the family...at your own risk.

Wow. Last week, a miracle: Leon slept through an entire night. It only happened once, but now we know it's possible. He's been sleeping better in general and this has produced a much rosier mood in me. Plus, he's becoming so entertaining; Babbling and crawling and standing. We introduced his potty to him this week and managed to get him to use it 4 times. I have a determination to get him used to his potty early on. Determination about baby related things have a tendency to fly gracefully out the window, but one must have goals all the same.

To change topics rather abruptly: I was walking down the outdoor trail behind our place when a rather unhinged, old dude biked by saying: "Keep it in the family?! How do you keep it in the family when they want to kill you?"
I thought to myself: good question, but someone else yelled out: "Ha ha! The crazies are out today!". I don't think the guy was out of earshot to this rude woman who seconds earlier had been whinging about how students should have access to healthy foods at reasonable prices in a fakey concerned about "big" issues way. The man she was with was clearly bored to death during her bland tirade. All of a sudden, an albeit crazy guy bikes by, clearly concerned about a murderous family either for himself or someone else and all her PC bullshit flies less than gracefully out the window and her inner bully comes blaring out like an air horn. I've always found it incredibly useless and mean to point out to a crazy stranger that they are crazy. Beside, who am I to judge? He asked a very valid question. I guess most of us just wouldn't shout the question publicly while riding down a path. Maybe that's our problem more than his.

I felt like shouting back at her:"HA HA! The bitchy bullies are out today!", but I didn't. Minus ten points for me.

To jump topics again. Back to Leon. He is crawling like heck these days. However, he is more interested in standing. In one week he went from shakily pulling himself up and flinging himself backward, constantly playing the trust game with us, to being able to stand up and crouch back down again all by himself without falling. This little dude loves physical activity. My guess is he is going to be a jock! A little athlete dude. We'll see. He's damn cute and that is the truth.

I am trying to repeat certain phrases a lot that I want him to learn and one that I can't stop exclaiming is:"BIG HUG" and then giving him one. I do it about 40 times a day because he is just so hugable. Also: "BIG KISS" and then giving him one on his chubby cheeks. He smells good too. We use Burt's Bees Honey Baby Wash which makes him smell like a honeycomb. Also, I don't know who he got it from, but he has the most amazing colour of blue eyes. Like a lake at dusk. Deep pools of blue. He's a charmer. I am smitten.

I've had to write this blog in little bursts throughout the day so it's probably rather disjointed. A thunderstorm has just begun. In October? Seems weird. Erg, I hope it doesn't wake Leon. We may have to do some rocking and lullabying tonight if it gets too crazy. Better go ready myself. Thanks for reading!

Happy Thanksgiving (it was!)