Giving up the Ghost

In answer to my previous posts' questions: yes. Yes I should burn it all, truly and metaphorically. Time to grow up and accept some reality. Someone once told me I wasn't an artist. I guess she was right. Probably, I should have killed the urge long ago as it's caused nothing but grief and failure, sort of like adopting an abomination of nature and dragging it through life, instead of mercy killing it in the shade of the forest trees where you found it and putting it out of it's misery.

Ah yes, the drama of grief and mourning.

I've been struggling with my life, feeling the soul destroying emptiness of spending one's days and precious time working at something that means nothing to me (ie working in a bank),while it depletes my will and energy and while wishing I had the time to do that which I really do care about.

I thought I would take a leap, and try it but I doubted my ability to and was torn. Such a risk for someone with such a history of failure in the same area. Such an agonizing decision, but why should it be? Why should be following your path be an agonizing choice? Finally, I realized, it wasn't worth the risk. I don't have what it takes. I never have and I have example after example to prove that. It is a painful loss to let it go, but a necessary one. Like living in the bedroom of a dead loved-one, you will never move on unless you tear it all down and throw it all out.

Maybe then, after I let it go, working in a bank or any of the other realities of life will seem less painful. Maybe I will discover what I'm really meant to do, which could be anything or nothing. In the meantime, creative pursuits must flame into ashes and smoke. They have walked along beside me like ghosts I can't bring back to life for too long.

Thanks for reading and wish me luck.