I don't drink beer

So I found a product that helps with PMS. I've been trying it on and off for almost a year. If I don't take it, I get 2 weeks of PMS. If I do, I get 3 days. However, since PMS is like matter and can neither be created nor destroyed, the 2 weeks worth, just compacts itself into 3 days. So for 3 days I am completely, completely, completely inhuman. Today is day 1 of 3. I can't even believe I am upright today. Every function of my physical and mental self is somehow deranged. If I get through today without some sort of blackout or mad rampage, I will be thankful. So which would you prefer? 2 weeks of bad, bad PMS or 3 days of OH MY GOD I AM POSSESSED BY SATAN, pms?

I chose 3. The product, by the way, is Estrosense or Estrofactors. It contains broccoli compounds that bind to xenoestrogens and you eat lots of fibre and rid yourself of them. Glad to know? Sure you are!

I have all these little, tiny, discarded staples on my desk from documents I have been checking, that look like robot chest hair. It's gross. Why can't the robot wear a damn shirt?

I just wrote this whole rant about the "miming clown" essence in certain aspects of Quebec culture. It wasn't mean-spirited, just observational, but I at least have enough presence of mind today, to know that my judgement is completely unreliable for the next few days so...deleted.

In fact, why don't I just sign out now, before I inadvertently start thermonuclear war or the render some species extinct with a chain of events sparked by my words.

Oh, which reminds me, before I go, to tell you what a nerd I am sometimes (always).

I have discovered that there are earwigs in my garden this year, eating my plants. I read that you can create traps for them by setting shallow dishes of beer in the garden before nightfall. They will crawl in, get drunk and drown. Okay, so they don't get drunk, they just drown, but anyway...

So after work, I stopped at the variety store to buy a beer. One beer. We don't drink so we don't have these sitting around like many people do. I never drink beer so have no idea about brands. I wanted to buy something cheap but wondered: Was it alcohol content that mattered? Quality of hops? Smooth, light taste? What do earwigs need to be drawn to their death of beer?

As I stood staring at the beers, people decisively reached in front of me for their pick of beers. Note the plural. Everyone bought a pack of, or at least 3 or 4 beers. I was buying only one beer and for some reason, was super self-conscious about it.

Will the check out guy know I don't drink beer and think I've had a bad day or bad news and am trying to drown my sorrows with one girly beer? Will he wonder why I'm buying the cheapest, grossest beer possible? Will people see the dressed-for-work girl walking around with nothing but one beer and assume I'm going home to my empty bachelor apartment to share it with my cat?

Here's a brilliant idea, I'll explain myself to the chap at the cash. He's a young, groovy sort of guy. He would be the long-haired guy from Dazed & Confused if they made a Quebec version. Friendly, funny, easy-going, sort of permanently stoned air about him...

He says, "Will that be all?" no hidden meaning intended, but I laugh knowingly and say "Yep. One beer, is all."
He lets that slide, no problem, hey, he's an easy going guy. I could have just left it at that, but no.
"I'm going to kill insects with that beer."
He pauses, as he is a native french speaker, he needs to process both my English and the bewildering content of my sentance.
"Are you really going to do that?"
Ah finally, an entrance way to my justification.
"Yes I am. You can put beer in shallow dishes in the garden and kill the insect pests with it."
Ever the trouper, he bounces back to make light of this seriously delivered, unnecessary information.
"Ha-ha. A little for the bugs, a little for you."
Again! I could have just chuckled and left it at that. Awkward conversation, nicely saved by the Store guy. Nope.
"Ha, ha. No. I think this beer is bad for humans also." (Because I know beer, right. Joking about cheap beer. Ya, I'm totally cool. Ya beer. Me and beer. Ya.)"
Another pause from him. "That's pretty good beer."
"Oh is it? I don't drink beer."

* * *

Another fantastic social interaction on my part. Cheers to me. By the way, it did sort of work (the beer trap). I'll try it again but I'm getting T to buy the beer from now on.