Due to some recent conversations about books, in particular, character studies, I've been thinking alot about extroverts/introverts and interaction between people. I have been recommending Night and Day by Virginia Woolf and trying hard to explain why. Now, I think I know why I love it so much. It's about 4 introverts who try really hard to live a truth but fear their truths are unacceptable to others. They struggle to hide or bend it but in the end, realize that it's just a matter of being honest and accepting the consequences. Sometimes the consequence is that many turn away but sometimes, it's the only way to find someone to really understand or at the very least accept.
I'm really unskilled in the art of setting people at ease. I have a tiny handful of long standing friends and a very compatible boyfriend all of whom, by some miracle, find me tolerable. I try, try, try to get along with the world, but it seems no matter how hard I strain to be inoffensive to others, I never get it right. I've been thinking and thinking, why is this? Am I too introverted to be comfortable with others? Am I a misanthrope who can't hide the strain of interaction? Is my personal unhappiness too great to conceal? Am I just an abrasive, negative, annoying jerk? I think it may be all of the above but I wonder how others feel about themselves.
Since adulthood, I've really valued honesty or rather, openess in interaction. A small bit of conversation yesterday touched on the idea that there is an art to knowing when to be honest and knowing the difference between truth and honesty (or the distance from truth to honesty as Superfriendz Matt Murphy sings it). I think this refers to interacting with others. The idea that people aren't really looking to be "outed" about hidden truths nor do most people want honesty if it hurts. That, I understand and try to respect, but I have been wondering what effect it has on others to be honest about oneself. Is it as repulsive as plunging someone else's depths? Actually forget honesty, what it really comes down to is a need to express myself and I like to do that honestly. I don't like to hold back my own feelings. I don't think I could deal with life if I had to hide more than I do. As an introvert, I'm isolated already. As an unhappy person, I'm disenfranchised already. If I can't tell the truth about myself to others, I can't see what could be gained from being out in the world at all. Yet, rather tragically, I think it might be the biggest barrier I have between myself and others. Maybe I've got it all wrong, but I think not.
I don't think it's the expression itself that's offputting. It's when the honesty is about unhappiness. Truth is, I conceal more than I let out. A watered down honesty of sorts. Maybe I'm less successful than I believe at filtering the truth. You ask me how I am, I say "Eh. Alright." Honest. Not feeling great. No point lying. I can't hide it anyway. Sometimes, the real answer is; "Awful. I feel Awful. Terrible. I am wildly unhappy with myself, fellow human. To spend time with me is to spend time with a broken, broken person."
I know many people feel this way. Maybe, many even conceal it succesfully or find ways to combat it and give something to others that I can't. I don't for one second claim that unhappiness lends itself to one way of being only. Perhaps it's the half honesty that could be the worst barrier. The people that are able to hear the full-truth answer and stick around after, are the only ones with whom I can let the unhappiness fall away. The freedom to express without fear is the only thing that allows the better parts of me to see the light of day. With everyone else, it's nothing but strained negativity and resentment at having to shield them from myself. How do others do it? What do others want from themselves? What do they push for and what do they hide and why? I suppose I read books in part to try to understand - How do others get by?
I guess, in the end, what most people see in me, is the strain of "filtered" honesty. They don't see the whole truth, which is actually more palatable than the watered down version. Strain is not fun to be around. It's not fun to be under either and yet, with most, I cannot reveal. I don't think they want me to. So the great cycle of social reaching and retreating continues. Trying, failing and retreating. Trying, failing and retreating. To those of you that have stuck it out and remained, allow me to express my honest appreciation of you. Perhaps I will get it right one day. I will find a method of honesty that is comfortable to me and palatable to others. Perhaps I will lessen the unhappiness some day. Maybe then, honesty and truth will be welcome.
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