i don't even know how to explain

Hmmm, let's see. Shall I do some more useless and mean criticism of other peoples choices in outerwear today or maybe something less petty and jerk-like?

Sometimes I am such an asshole. I get outraged so often by complete strangers for whom, mostly, I have complete and utter contempt, merely because I believe it is true and has been well proven, that they are probably mindless, selfish, blindly consuming, self-serving, ignorant tools. Wow? you say. Are you any better? Well, that's completely not in my place to say but maybe the outrage I feel and the contempt I seethe is due largely in part to my not being far enough in my own actions and thoughts from this species I aim all my venom toward. "What" you may add "are you friggin talking about?!"

I am sick of being a drone. I am sick of being on a train, surrounded by everyone else on their way to a job they do for money, that probably serves no purpose whatsoever toward the betterment of anything at all. Probably our jobs don't really even serve capitalism that well, it's all so inefficiently run and executed. Dear god in heaven, we are all wasting our time and then using the money to buy cars or vacations to Cuba or a 15th pair of designer jeans or vitamin shots for our pure breed dog that is so retarded it needs to be reminded to breathe...

"Again Monster Teeth, what ARE you going on about?"

I try not to lead that life. I don't buy those things. I don't base my worth on my worldly possessions, I don't aspire to impress my peers with my wealth and status but there is sooo much more I could be doing! And I'm not! ANd the closer I am to working and living with those who don't even aspire to change or break-free, the more scared and offensive I get.

I lash out cruelly at a woman in a baby-mat coat, not because her taste offends me, but because it's a sign to me (unfortunately for the poor woman). An oddly framed sign of the choice of the frivolous over the beautiful, flash over form, yelling over listening, using over giving, hoarding over sharing, heartlessness over empathy, tunnel vision over the long look ahead, wasting and pillaging and fighting and killing and destroying over liberty used kindly...art, beauty, consideration, accommodation, thrift, care, conscience...so absent. so absent and what am I doing about it all? Splaying someone in print for their choice in coat. In an effort to distance myself with a wall of hard words between me and them, I only push myself closer.

I'm sorry woman in the white coat. I am just feeling bad about my own way of life.

Oh and Happy Spring. For real.