the urge to miniputt

Does Dairy Queen soft serve contain dairy? Ech. Just typing it makes me want to puke.
Well, the answer is, yes it does my friends.

So I was on this regimen of no dairy or wheat and doing well for a month, thank you very much. Feeling better, less bloated, less searing stomach pain, blah blah blah. Anyway, took a road trip, had some dairy queen, spent the next day living in the bathroom. 2 days later and I'm still dealing with the after affects. I say it was the dairy and the first thing everyone, without exception(Except my sister) says: "I don't think Dairy Queen has any dairy in it." Everyone! No exceptions!(Except my sister. A real live vegan.).

Well, although it does contain alot more air and less milkfat than normal ice cream, Wikipedia and my bowels testify that there is dairy in that queen. What better source of information than my bowels, for example, could you reasonably hope for?

So there you go, don't say I don't learn you nuthin'.

Want me to go into explicit detail about what happened to my digestive tract?? Huh?? Do ya??

Okay, I will spare you just this once.

In addition to the road trip (we borrowed a car don't you know), we also spent an evening trying out suburban teenage fun. There we were, in our cottage in nowheresville, wondering what to do with ourselves and our new found vehicular freedom, when it suddenly became obvious to me: "A-bowling we must go!" And we did so.

In fact we went to a "funplex". Laval's finest. Glow bowling although for some reason, they gave us the last lane that had no black light specialness. Probably, they could smell the irony off of us. We sucked pretty bad but boy did we LOOK cool.

We had illusions of some fantastic mini-put golf course but alas, it was merely a room with a few bits of fake turf and some mounds of dirt and maybe a plastic chicken or something strewn about. Very sad. However, we did not cling long to our disappointment as there were abundant games to be played in the arcade.

Tried out Dance Dance revolution and was not surprised to confirm that I can not dance dance and would not, therefore, be helping out with the revolution. Then, tried a drumming game, complete with drumsticks and a full kit. Cost 2 bucks for about 5 seconds of play, I kid you not, because I sucked that bad. WOW do I ever lack in the ability to drum, especially along to japanese techno.

Thankfully, there was air hockey. Nothing like the old standards to make you feel comfortable and capable of victory. T, royally kicked my ass 30 thousand games in a row.

What a collection of people. You can imagine. Bepimpled teenagers plotting new ways to get boys or girls to "notice" them, obese, balding chain-smokers clad in black lycra with gold rings on each finger, baggy-eyed, haggard mothers, tuning out the screaming rage of their sugar-pumped sons as they primed themselves to drink an entire bottle of Baileys after their satan's spawn were in bed that night, etc.

Only problem is that I now have an unfulfilled urge to play a decent round or 2 of miniature golf.

felted like King Feltron of Planet Felto

Well look at me! I knit a bag (Meema's Marsupial Pouch from this book.) and then I felted it and here's the result!
Thanks to my stitch and bitch group(even though they are all Americans-ha ha)for getting me on the making things train again.



I'm going to line it with lovely purple fabric and embroider some design on the outside and pet it and call it George.

i don't even know how to explain

Hmmm, let's see. Shall I do some more useless and mean criticism of other peoples choices in outerwear today or maybe something less petty and jerk-like?

Sometimes I am such an asshole. I get outraged so often by complete strangers for whom, mostly, I have complete and utter contempt, merely because I believe it is true and has been well proven, that they are probably mindless, selfish, blindly consuming, self-serving, ignorant tools. Wow? you say. Are you any better? Well, that's completely not in my place to say but maybe the outrage I feel and the contempt I seethe is due largely in part to my not being far enough in my own actions and thoughts from this species I aim all my venom toward. "What" you may add "are you friggin talking about?!"

I am sick of being a drone. I am sick of being on a train, surrounded by everyone else on their way to a job they do for money, that probably serves no purpose whatsoever toward the betterment of anything at all. Probably our jobs don't really even serve capitalism that well, it's all so inefficiently run and executed. Dear god in heaven, we are all wasting our time and then using the money to buy cars or vacations to Cuba or a 15th pair of designer jeans or vitamin shots for our pure breed dog that is so retarded it needs to be reminded to breathe...

"Again Monster Teeth, what ARE you going on about?"

I try not to lead that life. I don't buy those things. I don't base my worth on my worldly possessions, I don't aspire to impress my peers with my wealth and status but there is sooo much more I could be doing! And I'm not! ANd the closer I am to working and living with those who don't even aspire to change or break-free, the more scared and offensive I get.

I lash out cruelly at a woman in a baby-mat coat, not because her taste offends me, but because it's a sign to me (unfortunately for the poor woman). An oddly framed sign of the choice of the frivolous over the beautiful, flash over form, yelling over listening, using over giving, hoarding over sharing, heartlessness over empathy, tunnel vision over the long look ahead, wasting and pillaging and fighting and killing and destroying over liberty used kindly...art, beauty, consideration, accommodation, thrift, care, conscience...so absent. so absent and what am I doing about it all? Splaying someone in print for their choice in coat. In an effort to distance myself with a wall of hard words between me and them, I only push myself closer.

I'm sorry woman in the white coat. I am just feeling bad about my own way of life.

Oh and Happy Spring. For real.

poo-mat with arms

Apparently, my iPod is a big Smiths fan. Everytime I put it on shuffle, it starts off with a Smiths song and then plays one every couple of songs. You must have a lot of Smiths songs on there then you say, well not really. I think my iPod just really likes Morrissey. That's why we get along so well, my iPod and I. And me. Whatever.

Apparently, some woman on the train thought it was a good idea to purchase a winter coat that looks like one of those quilted plastic baby diaper changing mats AND she chose to purchase it in white so it would most resemble an easily wipe-able baby-shit mat and then paired it with a baby-pink scarf to really drive the look home. I'm sorry to be so critical but really, it looked just like she was wearing a diaper-changing mat with arms. Why? Why would she choose this of her own free will? Maybe she didn't. Maybe she was forced to by some kind of overlord and here I am, dissing her fashion choices while she may have been reluctantly submitting to the wills of her masters/mistresses.

I am no leader in style myself, but I feel people should at least, at the very least, try not to wear things that look like they were meant for easily wiping poo off. Off of. Offnessly of-ing....

Apparently, spring is over after 3 days. Summer and autumn have forfeited and we are straight back to hell-cold winter. yay.

Apparently, I am overusing the word apparently.

Salamé

First of all, did you remember to worship at your local Temple of PI today at 1:59?
March 14 = 3/14 + 1:59 = 3.14159. I'm not making this scheise up!

Montreal is thawing. City workers are out in droves, sweeping up all the cigarette buts and joint roaches that have been hiding under the snow. Rainy rain has washed the snow away. On the streets anyway, we still have about 2 feet in our backyard but soon, it too will melt and die. Har. I even wore a non-winter coat today. I was maybe pushing it a tad, but I'm ready to rock, as it were.

So a bit of an absence lately from the old blogaroo. WHY didn't I call my blog that?
Anyway, so what could I tell you?

That I bought a new vacuum cleaner? I did:



It sucks, in a good way.

Or that I went to a naturopath and now I have a brand new morning torture routine that involves drinking a million different sorts of utterly disgusting substances? It's true:



A healthy digestive tract means luck in love and eternal happiness amongst the celestial clouds of the Karinians. Salamé! Once again, I thank Tim and Eric for there beautifully demented gifts of comedy for that one.

That the one good thing that came out of being sick for almost 2 weeks was that I could sing along wicked-good to Elvis Costello with my cold voice? I don't know why this phenomena exists, but it works. Try it next time you have a cold.



Gotta go. Being spied on by secret agents.

It rhymes so it counts.

Happy Birthday Helen! Ya! Oh YA! YESSS! YES YAH! OOOHH YAAAHHHYYESSS!

I called you this morning already but now I'm publicly wishing you a happy 52nd birthday. Ah hah! She's not really 52 but she lives in a shoe and it rhymes so it counts. Ah hah, she doesn't really live in a shoe but she likes to sniff glue and it rhymes so it counts.

AH HAH! She doesn't really sniff glue in a shoe at the age of 52 but I like her anyway so it counts!

hammerbags and wrenchsacks

I've tried to write this sentence with some kind of sensible order several times now. However I do it this time is how it stays:

Once, while doing a french internship whereby I taught people with "emotional troubles" how to work with clay to make little emotionally troubled looking pots, I offered one of my colleagues, a chocolate from a little box of 4 I had purchased for myself. I showed her which 2 were my favourites. She said "oooh well, I'll take one of you favourites." and then proceeded to do just that. Now there are several ways of viewing this whole thing.

A. What kind of a hammerbag would be offered a chocolate and then take the favourite of the offerer, rather than humbly choosing one that was undesired since they should be grateful to even be getting a free chocolate? What a crocklicker!

B. What sort of a toolpouch would be pissed that someone would take their favourite chocolate instead of being glad that the offeree would get to share in the rich experience of getting to try a good chocolate? What a canbiter!

C. What type of a wrenchsack would offer chocolates to anyone when they only had 4 and only 2 of them were any good? What a traymuncher!

I wonder if I should go get some chocolate?

barf

Well well. Someone is sick AGAIN! AHHHHHhheeyuugghcough cough cough cough.

Three days in bed, unable to eat, shower or play the xylophone. THen back to work. Still sick but too freaking bad right? Everyone on the train has blood pouring from their eyes and black plague shooting from their mouths. I'm not the only sad sack of infection and rawness. SO now, as my head and sinuses, ever so slowly start to heal, I wake up this morning with "digestive" upset. Maybe that's to do with the fact that I've been having cold medication for breakfast, lunch and dinner and made the mistake of stopping and trying to eat some actual food.

Big raging snowstorm outside. Had to powerhouse the door open this morning as all the snow had drifted against 2 ft upward. Should be fun trying to get back in again tonight. I barely slept all night. The wind was howling like a library record of halloween sound effects.(They exist and they are awesome! I bought 3 at a library sale ages ago. It sounds like 2 drunk janitors got together with a cassette recorder and some tools and just clanked them and screamed and meowed and banged doors, while getting progessively more drunk as the record wares on.)

ONce again, I've forgotten what my point is. I suppose I could read back a few sentances and edit a bit but that is not my way. Onward and upward. Forward into the great unkown etc.

I've probably already made you watch these but this is my new joy in life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpRnTowhMGc&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwnZuVA8SEc

Why doesn't someone just give these guys their own tv channel?

I"m too sick and tired to continue. Proabably just as well...