Merry Chrimbus

Here's my favourite carol for this Chrimbus.

Donkey, excrete gold!

The title of my post came from an animated Chinese fable I rented from the library for the little man to watch. I didn't understand the moral of the story at all. Something must have been lost in the translation. Basically, some old farmer, who couldn't work anymore, was rewarded with a marvelous thing each day, by the stream he took a nap beside each afternoon. The objects all had special commands that would make them do wondrous things.

After getting his magical item, he would go to a wine stall in the market, give his object to the wine seller to hold for him and tell him not to say the magical phrase. Obviously, the wine seller would so totally say the magical phrase and switch the item for a matching, but magic-less item. Farmer dude would take it home to his wife, she'd get all stoked, and then it wouldn't work. He did it 4 times in a row, never learning from his mistake! In the end, the stream gave him a pumpkin that opened up and hurled sticks at the wine seller until he promised to give all the magic stuff back. What lesson is that? Be a dumbass and things will work out eventually?

In any case, I've got to hand it to the freaky creator of that fable for including the donkey, who with the command: "Donkey, excrete gold!", would do just that. He shit gold bars! They animated this event in full detail!

L dug it and wanted to watch it again, but I could only bear one viewing. He is into repetition. I've seen Charlie Brown Christmas and It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown about 76 billion times, since I got them for L in October. I must admit, I'm pleased with his taste for the Peanuts Gang. I approve.

I made him a very awesome advent calendar type thingy, of which I am quite proud. It's one of those things you make without really knowing how and then finish it and it kicks ass and you have no idea how you managed it or if you could ever do it again. I also styled him a matching Christmas stocking, because "I'm crafty, like ice is cold".



Each day has a little pocket for a wee gift like cheese crackers and mini tractors.

I wish I could accurately communicate how incredibly cute and hilarious L is, but words don't cut it. He's a wonder.



He's almost 23 months now. L talks like crazy with his hands flying all over the place, miming the ideas he can't quite cover with his vocabulary and adding sound effects to round out any misunderstandings. Asking for toast goes something like this: "Toast! Oh!" (Hand motion of pushing the toaster plunger handle thing down), "Kachunk!"(the sound of the toaster plunger handle thing being pushed down), and then a little celebratory dance. He's pretty much entertaining from waking to sleep, if not a little tiring sometimes. I don't have one one-hundredth of his energy. As soon as he comes in to get me up each morning, I get a hug and a kiss and then he takes my hand and says: "No sleep. Toys.", and off we go.

So Christmas is in two seconds. No snow. Looks like it could very possibly be a grey Christmas.

However, our tree looks great, T has 2 weeks off starting tonight and my gifts are done. I'm sick for the 85th time in 3 months, but you can't have everything. I wouldn't complain, even if you nicely asked me to.

Happy holidays and all that jazz. May your donkey excrete much gold.

Crackers!

It's like I've been allergic to writing for ages now. I'm not sure why, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact the my "K" key is broken and my ? key is gone entirely. Okay well, truthfully, that has nothing to do with it. I think it's more down to the fact that my days are just so full lately, with Leon, that when I get a breather, I tend to want to do nothing but lay back and be entertained by British comedians on youtube.

Leon will be 21 months tomorrow. He's learning fast and growing rapidly and very, very active, both physically and mentally. Kids! Park! Slide! Toys! Granmama! Granpapa! Car! Truck! Dog! These are some of his daily exclamations. Sometimes, they are to identify what he is seeing, sometimes they are commands to me to conjure one of them up for him."Running!", is another favourite word of his, which is always accompanied by a demonstration. "Jump! Jump! Boing, Boing." I don't know how he keeps up with that kind of energy when he refuses to eat anything except cheese, hummus, peanut butter and bread. On a good day, salmon and avacado. Actually, that's not such a bad diet really. Just needs a few more vegetables and fruit and I could market it. The Leon Plan.

Summer seemed endless in a bad, hot, humid, searingly bright, covered in sweat and sunscreen kind of way. It made me so grumpy. Now that it's fall, I curse if the temperature rises above 10. Seriously, I hate summer! I want weather in which I can wear a sweater and never once think I might need to take it off to be comfortable. And, AND! I want the sun behind a cloud damn it. I don't want to have to squint through my day. I (not so secretly) feel that people who say they love summer are cracked, which means most of the planet is cracked, annoyingly.Never mind that all now, because it is in fact, autumn and that is good. The leaves have turned quite vividly yellow and orange and red and night descends sooner, which makes me feel less like a freak when I'm ready for bed at 9pm. "Sleep. Shhhhhh." as Leon would say.

Oh, I know it's not all the Great Pumpkin and candy corn. Soon winter will come, with endless dark days and seven layers of clothing to get out the door and cold after cold after flu after cold. That's already started. Leon and I have been sick on and off for over a month now. Every time we contact other human offspring, boom, we are sick. Thank crackers for places where we can go play with other kids though. I'd go mental trying to entertain Leon on my own all day. I guess, way back, in the olden days don't you know, such things were not needed as kids could play with their fourteen brothers and sisters and their ten thousand cousins. Leon has neither! Poor guy. Oh, I could change that for him you say? I barely have the energy to read a book at the end of the day. Imagine adding a brand new baby to the mix. Aye crackers!

I have just now, after using crackers twice as an exclamation, decided that I must settle on and integrate some replacement words for profanities, which pour so easily from my mouth. The problem is that they are starting to come out of Leon's mouth. I could have swore, no pun intended, that I heard him say "Jesus......christ", while waiting for the elevator with me the other day. At first, I thought he was just admiring cheese out loud again, until I heard the christ bit follow after.So I'll have to try out some new ways to be verbally annoyed, that will not transfer to Leon and have him end up perpetually in the principal's office when he starts school.

Crackers will not be one of the replacement words though, because I need to be able to type it as well and there's this issue with my damn K key...I'll work on it and get back to you.

Elvis Costello and me, best buds.

For some reason, I just don't want to have type out this experience because I just won't be able to do it justice. I saw Elvis Costello, FINALLY and he played old songs and I got to dance on stage and it was awesome and pivotal and totally effing cool. Yay for random luck! I am the purpley blue blur on the left in the far away videos and in behind the two people in the close up video that they took. Arg is all I have to say about not having my own camera. Dude played for nearly 3 hours. His suit was actually dripping and soaked by the end of the night, from top to bottom. Really outstanding.









SET LIST:

I Hope You’re Happy Now

Heart of The City

Mystery Dance

Uncomplicated

Radio Radio

Everyday I Write The Book

Joanna

Turpentine

Long Honeymoon

I Want You

Beyond Belief

Big Tears

Shabby Doll

Leave My Kitten Alone

Living In Paradise

Spooky Girlfriend

Party Girl

Girls Talk

Girl

Alison/Tracks Of My Tears/Somewhere Over the Rainbow/Somewhere

Stations of the Cross

Shipbuilding

ENCORE:

A Slow Drag With Josephine

For More Tears

Earthbound

(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding

I Don’t Want To Go To Chelsea

Waiting For The End of The World

I Can Only Give You Everything

Pump It Up/Purple Rain

Man Out Of Time

I Hope

Just sayin'...

I haven't written for ages. I don't have anything terribly new or groundbreaking to say about being a mom and I'm mostly too busy to hang out on the computer much. I did want to say this though:

There has been changes over the past year. Leon is growing, we live in a nice new place, T is finished working on his masters from home and is now happily at work in a workplace.

I'm a full on stay at home mom now. I wondered what it would be like. Even though T was working from home, he was still there and still available if needed. I wondered how I would do when it was just Leon and me all day. I've been doing it for a while now and I know now, what it's like.

It's like this: For the first time in my life, I am able to say that there is nothing, not one single thing in my wildest imagination that I would rather be doing. I think Leon is the most amazing, beautiful, incredible person in the history of time and I want to put it out there that I am incredibly grateful and appreciative of whatever circumstance of design or random luck that led me to what my life is now which is being with him, helping him learn about the world, watching him grow and learning who he is. Everyday is a revelation. Everyday I'm in love and I feel like the luckiest person on the planet.

I get tired waking up early, I wonder what to make for meals, I wonder what to do on rainy, hot or snowy days, I think sometimes that I might not be able to read Go Dog GO for the 8 millionth time, but I look at Leon's smile and his sparkling eyes and his little hand on my hand, guiding it down to the book and it's all so easy because I love him like crazy.

I can't keep life in a bottle so that nothing will ever change. Who knows what's to come. Right now is something I can and want to be in one hundred percent in a way that I've not really known before. It's a huge gift and this way of being in the present and loving someone so much is something that I hope Leon can have through his life.

He's so full of pure joy, just pure unadulterated joy for all the smallest things in life. He's full of pure trust and love. He's full of desire to learn and explore. And he is loved deeply. Being witness to these thing in Leon has changed how I see life. I can't really even say how lucky I feel about that.

So you see? Nothing said here is anything that hasn't been said before by mothers throughout history. What is new, is that it's me saying it and I'm glad to be able to.

Double horns rating

The longer I go without writing a post, the more I feel I have to wait till I have something REALLY interesting to say. That could take YEARS! So, instead, I'll just tappity tap tap a little something less than phenomenal.

So what's new, what's new, let's see. I've had a few versions of a cold or flu or hybrid of the two for about a month now. Just keeps evolving and trucking on through my sinuses and what have you that can collect and contain phlegm. Leon too. Poor guy. Didn't stop him from frequently getting his groove on and his step on. Heck yeah the dude can walk now. More like run. He's not one hundred percent devoted to it as a mode of transportation, but I can see it growing on him.

Our new apartment has turned out to be a good choice. Big, clean, quiet and dishwasher has entered my top five inventions of the world. I refuse to wash dishes ever again. NEVER do you hear me?? I'm not a fan of dish washing. Nope sirs. So awesome points to our new kitchen for having a dishwasher.

Our bedroom closet is large enough to be it's own little room. I dig it. I dig having an elevator too. Better than hauling a stroller up with a 22 pound Leon in it for 2 flights of stairs like in our last place. We give our new place a thumbs up. I'd even say we would throw double horns for this place. Ozzy rules!

On the weather front, I just know that soon, it will be brutally hot and humid so I'm not fretting too much about the odd amount of rain and gray skies and one digit temperatures. Ah southern Ontario: Freezing winter and blazing summer and nothing in between. Unfortunately, the in between parts are the ones I prefer (said the actress to the bishop).

I just trailed off and stared into space for a few minutes...I've not been sleeping well lately. Leon has been doing a great job, in his own room (woot woot!), of sleeping 11 hours straight, but is his mama? Heck no. She's taking hours to fall asleep and waking up every 2 seconds. Who knows why. Stupid brain. I think it's just going to take a few years for my body to get back to being able to relax all night.

Speaking of which. I think it's time to hit the hay since I'm not really thinking in coherent sentences anymore. I have to keep stopping and staring at the wall to figure out what I'm trying to say.

Ok, yep. Over and out for now.

A break from it all

I think this might be my most favourite website ever.
http://www.sleeveface.com/

Movin' and groovin'

My blog used to be so much more funny when I was working and trying to kill time and amuse myself by writing about all the nutcases (myself included) out and about in "corporate" Montreal. What a laugh. For some reason, it's hard for me to take anything seriously about Montreal. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just the vibe of the place that everyone would rather be out at a bar instead of running businesses or maintaining infrastructure or what have you. It's like it's always 4:30 pm on a Friday in Montreal- that time when people are still technically on the job but they are eying the clock and cleaning up their desk and about to get the hell out and have a drink.

Toward the end of living there, it was starting to drive me nuts, but now I kind of miss it.

I am hell of ready for spring. We are moving again. Yep. After less than a year of moving across a province with a 6 month old, we are doing it again in April with a 14 month old. It's good though. 2 bedroom, dishwasher, renovated, one of those cool red lamps in the bathroom like they have at some hotels...they had me at dishwasher to be honest. Gawd I hate washing dishes. The only thing I hate more than washing dishes in drying them. P'tooey.

So we will have to endure another few weeks of box hell with all the packing and unpacking crap, but ultimately (she said hopefully, thinking: for jeebus sake, let this place work out for us) it's for the common good of our wee family. Feel free to send us good vibes on that issue.

The sky is white, the ground is covered with wet snow and the rain/mist is freezing. Quite gross and really, I am done with winter. I want to see sidewalk, sun and hatless, scarfless people. Are you feelin' me?

In Leon news. He's learned to hug and it's probably the cutest damn thing I have ever seen in my life.



T gave me a hug yesterday and Leon watched then hugged himself. Then we gave him his elephant and he hugged him/her. Totally awesome. I wish I could get him to dance more too. He's very particular about what makes him throw his hands in the air and bounce on his knees and sing:laa la laa laaa. Sometimes it's a snippet of classical music on the radio, sometimes it's Elvis Costello and often it's the theme song for Passe Partout.

I was never one for dancing, but I am so going to instill a morning mom and son dance freak-out as soon as he is into it. Then, when he's 13 and wants to barf at the thought that he even has a mom because it's so lame man, I will chase him around and shout: C'mon son! Let's have a dance freak-out like we used to! and he'll shout back: MOM! GROSS!(or the future vernacular equivalent) and run to his room and slam the door. Then I'll ask him through his door if he remembers when I was potty training him and would say: Potty time, excellent- like a play on the Wayne's World theme and he'll say: what the hell is Wayne's World?

Who knows, maybe he will be one of those kids that is so genuinely cool, he will never lose his taste for being silly. I wish I could say that I had been one of those kids, but I most certainly was not. The awkward teenage angst is practically gushing like blood from an open artery when you look at the photographs taken of me back then. Poor me and poor anyone who had to deal with me!

Well. Leon is with the grandparents for the afternoon, but he'll be home soon and dinner must be concocted, so a few more Elvis Costello videos on youtube and then back to being a parent.

Nursing: A tribute.

I know a lot of people, don't "get" breastfeeding. I didn't before I started either.

I remember, in the early days of breastfeeding, I thought I would feel victorious when I finally made it to the "finish line". At first, I thought it would be miraculous to make it to 6 months. Around 3 months, I started having so much trouble with supply and felt like if I managed to breastfeed him for one more day, it was the best I could hope for. I lived day by day like that for a few weeks and it got easier and worked better and I made it to 6 months and then 7 months. Around 8 months, it started getting difficult again, one side stopped working, the other side was painful as all hell, but I kept going and low and behold I found myself at 10 months. It seems funny to me now, that I never thought I would make it that far.

Around this time, Leon started to nurse for less time and even started dropping a feeding here and there. I went with the flow and ended up at 11 months, down to only one feeding at night. I held on to that feeding longer than he really showed interest in it because I realized, now that I'd come all this way, the end of breastfeeding didn't really seem like the end of a race or a challenge anymore. It had become my way of life with Leon and a really important part of our relationship. The bond is not something you can explain in words, or at least, I can't do it justice.

When I finally reached the point where I knew nursing was soon to end, it felt so sad to look down at him and think: this could be the last time ever this will happen. Some women go on to nurse for years, most, in north america stop before 4 months... every woman has her own story and experience. I wasn't expecting to feel so sad. I thought I would feel more like I had attained a goal, but having done it for x amount of time ended up being meaningless. What mattered was the feeling of having such a close tie to Leon growing up. What mattered was how much of myself I gave to him. Everything I went through was worth it.

I see him eating food with his own hands now and wanting to break out on his own. He's just going to keep growing and learning and it's exciting and amazing to think about, but also, I already miss him being just a little baby Leon. I know, I'll feel like this for the rest of my days. Each new milestone will be a mix of pride and sadness at letting go.

About a week before his first birthday, we nursed for the last time. He hasn't asked for it since. I would have relented if he had. I still would. I miss it. Sometimes, I wonder if I should have tried to keep it going, but I guess it felt like standing outside of school for his first day and not letting go of his hand as he pulled away to go see what was in store for him. I don't know if every woman has such melancholy. My nursing mentor said it was very common to go through all the stages of grief about it. No one ever told me about that. Not that it would have changed me wanting to nurse, but maybe I would have been more mindful while it was happening.

I miss nursing. I am grieving. At the same time though, I am really proud of myself for having done my best job. I don't think I've ever been as devoted and steadfast about anything else in my life. I can see why some women don't want to do it, it can be really tough. I can also see why some women do it for years. It's an amazing and deeply moving shared experience in giving and receiving care between a mother and child. Nursing is food, it's closeness, it's comfort... It's a profound experience to be able to provide all of those things to your child in such a basic way.

I feel lucky to have had this experience and I will save it in my heart and mind as a special part of Leon's infancy. So here I go Leon, letting go just a little bit, but only the act of nursing is lost. All of the love behind it is still here and overflowing and that will never stop.

The L dude kicks it one year style.

Man, it's been ages since we posted photos of Leon and we have about seven million of them to go through and put online. A daunting task. I'll post some here in the meantime.

Tomorrow, Leon will be one year old. One year! One year ago, as of right now, I was at the Maison de naissance, with my water having broke and contractions just mildly beginning, happy that I wasn't at the hospital. That changed over the course of the next 20 hours and we ended up transferring to the hospital with the old c-section deali-o, so it's not the most fairy tale birth memory, but I sure was glad he was born when he was finally out. 42 weeks we waited with baited breath and then, there he was-complete and awesome.

He has remained thus ever since and will continue to be completely awesome I suspect. Even though he's starting to learn to demand things and man oh man does he have will. He balances his bossiness with a dazzling smile, a hearty laugh, an ability to dance and sing on his knees with his hands in the air like he just don't care and a charming way of smooshing his face into me when he's tired. Plus oh ma gawd, cute? Hell yes!

Happy Birthday Leon Faraday. Many, many more.

And soon, we will post the rest of the photos from the past few months.








Watching Passe Partout don't ya know.

New year, new beer. 'Clink'

New year, new beer. That's the saying I just made up. I don't drink beer, but I like to picture myself clinking an old-style stubby bottle and flashing a sly smile under my handle bar mustache as I say it.

I've never been much for celebrating New Year's Eve. The day after Christmas I just feel like the party is over and it's back to the same old same old.

This Christmas sort of blew. I was sick, T was sick, Leon was sick. I even spent Christmas Eve in the hospital (thankfully only for a couple of hours) to get some drugs for an ear infection that was most brutal.

To be honest, it's been sort of a rough month. I think I'm feeling caged in by the winter. Not as easy to just pop Leon in a stroller and get out and about. Life sort of seems to be just drifting by as of late. Lots of days, on the floor, looking at the same toys.

The contrast is that Leon is getting so much more mature. He points, he waves his arms victorious when he's pleased, he bounces when he's excited and he babbles away like crazy. We still haven't taught him to sleep fully through the night...we are such scaredy cats about it. He's just so willfull. If he wants something, man oh man, look out. I do believe I was much the same so in my face eh?!

Our little one-bedroom is feeling way too little now that L is moving around more. We'll need to make a move when we can. T is still toiling away on his masters. He would really, really, really like to be done and I don't blame him. We are all 3 of us up each others butts everyday and we are all a little snakey from it. Spring will be welcome, but it's still a ways off.

So the new year begins, sort of grey and cold and poopy, but it's stretching out, unwritten with potential to be good right? Let's hope so for all of us, including you, dear reader.

Where are the burns of '73?

My favourite Christmas song. I was about one month old when this came out. I like the fact that I was born in a time when people had such great haircuts and amazing sideburns.



Merry Christmas

Bam! What was that? A year gone by that's what.

If you know Leon, you can tell by his glassy eyes and lack of a big smile in this photo that he's starting to be sick. It was taken last week, just at the beginning of a big virus. Poor guy! He's feeling much better now, but there was at least a week of crying and moaning and flopping his head woefully on my shoulder because he was exhausted and couldn't sleep from pain or congestion or what have you. It was heart breaking not being able to just make him feel all better. The best I could do was console him as much as possible and clean his nose and dose him with baby tylenol. Little champ.

You know, usually I am hoochy coochying on the christmas-cheery type stuff at this time of the year. This year, not so much. With Leon being sick and the weather being icky and well, let's face it, being locked to my son's not very forgiving schedule, I have opted out of a lot of celebrating type behavior. I haven't even watched the Grinch or Charlie Brown Christmas or Christmas Story or Christmas Vacation. I haven't baked cookies or had cocktails. I haven't made cards or even bought any.

I did decorate my little tree and I did wrap presents, which I love doing. I think I like wrapping presents more than I like getting them!

It's been hard to do the usual holiday cheer because I'm not a very "roll with it" type mom. Some moms can just carry on with their lives and keep on trucking, but I must admit to my regular life being somewhat on hold while I do the mom job. I guess I like to focus on one thing at a time. It stresses me out to try to do too much at once. Mothering takes up most of my time and energy.

I'm guessing that I will chill out as Leon gets older and more independent. Probably next Christmas will be more fun as he will be interested. I bet after that, Christmas will be ten times more fun seeing it through his eyes. This year, I think he'll appreciate tearing up wrapping paper but that's about all he will really register.

At any rate, December is hurtling by at a blinding speed and then the year will wrap up and it will all begin anew and I'll be sitting around blinking, trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

Take a second to send Leon some good sleeping vibes would you? It's been a rough week sleep-wise for all of us. Snot, you are evil. You block the nose and awaketh the sleeping eye with thy mucous-y ill will. That's my old timey rant against snot.

I have a little time left before retiring to bed. Maybe I'll try to sneak in some sort of holiday moment. A sip of amaretto. I'd eat a chocolate if there was one in the house. (note to self: rectify the no chocolate in the house situation.) Maybe I'll just lay back and chill and try to gather my wits about me and just absorb a little more December before it runs away laughing into the winter sunset.

Do you already rock?

Man it's cold. "Hot gazoobies!" as either Boots or Bruno used to say, I can't remember which, in Gordon Korman's great book: Beware the Fish. I LOVED his novels when I was 10 years old. I might even like to reread that series. I still have them and will give them to Leon to try out, even though cars will be flying and food will be in the form of pills and we will all wear silver spandex pants suits by the time he can read.

We'd been wondering what to do for Leon this Christmas. The dude has a billion toys already. I remembered we had some left over credit at a toy store and realized we could use it to buy toys to donate instead of piling more in our house. I'm really happy that even though neither of us has income right now, we are still in the position to give. (Budgeting software people. It works wonders. It's amazing how much you can save when you follow a budget.) Leon is so young, he'd be happy to just have a box wrapped in paper with more paper inside. I feel like there really isn't a single thing any of us need here in our family. We are lucky. I will feel much better giving to families that really need it. It breaks my heart to think of children in very poor families missing out on simple things like food and toys. If you already donate, then you rock. If you hadn't thought of it, please do.

Snow, snow, snow. Me-ow!

Right. It's snowing. Christmas tree is going up. I've been wondering when I was going to feel it was the right time...it's been such a grey, rainy fall.

But I woke up late last night and checked out the window and there was the thinnest, tiniest layer of snow on the ground and it was all I needed for the Christmas groove to click in. So fa la la la la, la la, la, la.

Our tree is about as big as Charlie Brown's but that's okay. I'll have to put it up high anyway so Leon doesn't dive into it like a kitten. He reminds me a lot of a cat actually. He loves shiny things. He immediately notices anything new in a room and beelines for it to put it in his mouth. He likes to climb everything. If he starts to meow, I may be consulting a medium to see about past cat lives or something...

So I went from groaning at the Christmas displays in stores being up too early, to being full on ready to ho ho ho. Bring it on Christmas gods. Let it snow.

Roll out the carols?

Yep, yep. I'm 37 years old now. Reckon I best be windin' down for old-timer life now.
I went ahead and turned 37 recently. I thought, what the heck, might as well age another year. I'm putting on years like I'm putting on pounds lately. The sticky notes my therapist made me place around my house reminding me of good things about me that don't have to do with appearance or age have softened the blow. They really do work!

I've been admiring Leon. He is swell, I tell ya. I've been thinking how lucky I am to be able to stay at home with him while he is growing up. We accepted living with low finances, but not everyone has that choice. I can't imagine in the States where moms have to go back to work after a couple months! How horrible! I can't even imagine after a year! They are still such young young babies. I've noticed, through Leon, how at around 9 months, he's started to learn something new everyday. I can see him growing right in front of me and I feel really lucky that I don't have to miss out on that. I'm super aware of how he will only be an infant and a toddler once and it will go by so quick and I just want to absorb it and be there for as much of it as I can. It's tough some days, being with a baby full-time, but honestly, I wouldn't give it up for a trillion dollars.

I have way strong mom empathy now, so that when I see other children, I worry about them too. I saw a baby in a restaurant who was hungry and I was all tense until I saw the mother nurse her. If I see babies with really young, rough looking parents, I worry like crazy about them. My heart bleeds for any baby that needs anything. I could lay awake gritting my teeth at night worrying about babies who don't have good parents and are neglected or scared or hungry or anything bad. It's emotionally exhausting. How terrible that anything bad ever happens. I want to swoop up all the babies of the world up and make sure every one of them is happy.

Leon is sleeping pretty good recently. It's lucky. When we ran out of tools to help him to sleep, we had to dabble in letting him cry, but I couldn't ever stomach it for more than a few minutes and ended up quitting it. He's getting better at it on his own. I have no idea what will happen when we don't nurse anymore, but I'll face that when we get there. I'm happy to nurse him, even if it's 3am, because that won't last forever either. However, I'm thankful I'm not nursing him 5 or 6 times a night anymore!

So December approaches and I heard my first Christmas carol on the radio yesterday. Can you believe it? Christmas. Aye yai yai. I'll haul out our wee tree soon and put it somewhere high up and decorate it to honor the winter wonders and we'll see what this winter has to bring. I have a icky feeling it's going to be a rainy winter so I'm gunning for some snow, but we'll see how I feel about that when I'm cooped up in our apartment watching a snow storm rage outside.

My computer battery is about to die and my eyelids are heavy. So 37. Yeah! Let's see how it turns out for me. Rock and roll.

Toot Toot.

I was thinking last night, in bed, how I tend to write about all the things I do wrong or poorly and rarely write about what I've done well. I'm not one to toot my own horn, if you will. I decided that I would break that habit and talk about a few things that I am proud of doing with Leon, since that is my biggest responsibility to date and I've been pretty hard on myself about it so far. You know what I was thinking though? Even though it's been hard, really really hard at times, and I sure ain't perfect, on the whole, I've done a good job with this guy.

I'm gonna go even further to say (so if he reads this one day, he won't think his mom was nothing but a whiner) some of the things I'm proud of specifically.

1. Despite a lot of obstacles, including current some current ones, I am still breastfeeding at 9 months. I've felt from the start it was important and even though there's a million times I've had good reason to stop, I haven't.

2. I've made sure that L has lots of time to play and move around. I try not to bundle him up and stick him in a stroller or car seat for too long. It has meant less freedom for me to do things, but I can see the progress he makes everyday from his play and I'm glad I give that to him.

3. Although it's been really tough to sleep so poorly, I got up and did my job of putting him back to sleep countless times for 8 months. Conversely, when I could see it was time that he could start to learn to sleep on his own, I have gritted my teeth and let him a cry a little so he doesn't always need his parents doing it for him. It was something I never wanted to have to do, but admitted it was needed when I saw it was so. I still use it sparingly and always try to make sure he's a happy, clean, full baby before putting him to bed.

4. Learned to ask for help when I needed it so L could benefit from a happier mom.

5. Forced myself to let go of control so that he could be in the care of his father and grandparents sometimes and benefit from their knowledge and style of parenting and care giving.

6. Actively show him new things, teach him words and try everyday, to help him learn something no matter how small.

7. I've learned to wake up everyday and be a mother, no matter how I'm feeling and what I might rather be doing.

8. I've gone from being so depressed some days, that I could barely function, to having months now, where I do my best everyday for Leon.

9. I let him show me who he is and try to encourage what he wants to be and do. Before he was born, I used to think that kids should just integrate into their parents lives, but I see now that a baby needs his own little world to be supported. When he's older, we can show him our world, but now, I feel good that I have let go of some of my own desires and habits to make room for Leon to show us what he needs and likes.

10. I love him a lot and would indeed fight a bear with one hand tied behind my back, on his behalf, if needed.

So none of these things are a judgment on parents who don't do things as I do. The biggest thing I've learned about parenting is that everyone must do what they feel is right. Deep down, we all feel we know best and I think a lot of things, everyone agrees are the "right" thing to do, but there's lots of gray areas too that we all have to work out for ourselves. That's my little disclaimer.

So thanks for allowing me to indulge in some patting of my own back. My therapist would be proud of me!

Keep it in the family...at your own risk.

Wow. Last week, a miracle: Leon slept through an entire night. It only happened once, but now we know it's possible. He's been sleeping better in general and this has produced a much rosier mood in me. Plus, he's becoming so entertaining; Babbling and crawling and standing. We introduced his potty to him this week and managed to get him to use it 4 times. I have a determination to get him used to his potty early on. Determination about baby related things have a tendency to fly gracefully out the window, but one must have goals all the same.

To change topics rather abruptly: I was walking down the outdoor trail behind our place when a rather unhinged, old dude biked by saying: "Keep it in the family?! How do you keep it in the family when they want to kill you?"
I thought to myself: good question, but someone else yelled out: "Ha ha! The crazies are out today!". I don't think the guy was out of earshot to this rude woman who seconds earlier had been whinging about how students should have access to healthy foods at reasonable prices in a fakey concerned about "big" issues way. The man she was with was clearly bored to death during her bland tirade. All of a sudden, an albeit crazy guy bikes by, clearly concerned about a murderous family either for himself or someone else and all her PC bullshit flies less than gracefully out the window and her inner bully comes blaring out like an air horn. I've always found it incredibly useless and mean to point out to a crazy stranger that they are crazy. Beside, who am I to judge? He asked a very valid question. I guess most of us just wouldn't shout the question publicly while riding down a path. Maybe that's our problem more than his.

I felt like shouting back at her:"HA HA! The bitchy bullies are out today!", but I didn't. Minus ten points for me.

To jump topics again. Back to Leon. He is crawling like heck these days. However, he is more interested in standing. In one week he went from shakily pulling himself up and flinging himself backward, constantly playing the trust game with us, to being able to stand up and crouch back down again all by himself without falling. This little dude loves physical activity. My guess is he is going to be a jock! A little athlete dude. We'll see. He's damn cute and that is the truth.

I am trying to repeat certain phrases a lot that I want him to learn and one that I can't stop exclaiming is:"BIG HUG" and then giving him one. I do it about 40 times a day because he is just so hugable. Also: "BIG KISS" and then giving him one on his chubby cheeks. He smells good too. We use Burt's Bees Honey Baby Wash which makes him smell like a honeycomb. Also, I don't know who he got it from, but he has the most amazing colour of blue eyes. Like a lake at dusk. Deep pools of blue. He's a charmer. I am smitten.

I've had to write this blog in little bursts throughout the day so it's probably rather disjointed. A thunderstorm has just begun. In October? Seems weird. Erg, I hope it doesn't wake Leon. We may have to do some rocking and lullabying tonight if it gets too crazy. Better go ready myself. Thanks for reading!

Happy Thanksgiving (it was!)

Unstoppable forces o' nature mi'lads and mi'ladies

So thanks to the supportive comments of my aunt on that last depressed post. Low really feels low when it happens, but I'm not always there. It's a real roller coaster ride. Lately, I've been managing better. My therapist gave me a list of negative thinking patterns associated with depression and out of 13, I do every single one of them every single day. Just having them pointed out helped. I'm more aware when I'm saying or doing something that it's the negative way of seeing things and not the only way of seeing things.

Therapy talk aside...

The season sure is changing quick. The leaves have nearly all turned colour. And just tonight, I was looking out the kitchen window for a bit of head space, when I noticed the geese flying in formation. At our last place, in our little shack on the river, I was very attuned to season changes from the earliest moments. Autumn was cemented and fully in force when the geese all took leave from the river. It was a front row seat from our living room with the patio doors out onto the water. I miss that view. It caught me off guard when I looked out tonight, in the middle of the city, with the apartment buildings and cars and traffic lights, to be reminded of the signs of nature as a flock of geese flew high up in the pink and red sunset. I don't notice the natural world now, like I did back at the old place.

What I do notice is Leon. He has two teeth jauntily jutting forth from his bottom gums. He officially went from commando style dragging to full fledged, cruising around crawling about a week ago. His obsession now is standing. He jams his head into either T or I and uses us as a cushy ledge to push against to raise himself up to standing. Once up, he exclaims triumphantly, twists around, crouches down and starts all over again. We went from playing in one place on a mat, to needing some serious baby-proofing, in the blink of an eye.

He's eating 3 solid meals a day now too, in addition to nursing. Today he had lentils, hummus, squash, zucchini, yam and some omelet. He's eating better than I am! Our freezer is full of little cubes of vegetables for him. I personally can't wait till he can chew anything and eat all sorts of new stuff.

Thanksgiving is nearly here... I can't believe how each day seems to go by slowly, yet the months are hurtling past somehow. Before I know it, Christmas will be here and then in January, L will be a year old. Too insane. This time last year, I was glowing skinned and shiny haired, with L doing karate kicks into my ribs inside me. I was wondering how it would all turn out. I played mahjong and dominoes and scrabble with T every night and watched movies and read during the day and knew my life was going to change, but I just couldn't comprehend how. I tried to know, but now I know for real and I know there's sooo much more to know ahead of me too. One year later, everything is different than it ever was my whole life before L and it will always be this new way. The new way of having a child and ALWAYS thinking of them, always always, always.

Seasons, cycles, growth and change: Unstoppable forces of nature y'all. Whether witnessed first hand, or through a window, it's a roller coaster round and round, up and down.

Down on the corner....fna fa na nan na

This made me happy.

Miserable fat bastard

Do you ever have the feeling that there is absolutely nothing you want to do and you have no idea what to do with yourself and everything you try makes you miserable? Is that what being depressed is? Or is that just what being a dumb jerk is? Maybe I'm both.
I honestly don't know where that last post came from. I woke up the next day feeling like life was excruciating and being a mother was the hardest thing on earth.

I do have help, but when I get a break, I don't know what to do with myself to feel better. When I don't have help, I wish I did. And so on and so on in a tornado of self-defeat.

Why is mothering so hard? Why is it so hard for me, is the real question. I don't handle responsibility well. It's very stressful to me. I'm a perfectionist who has no faith in her own abilities. That's a recipe for misery right there. I'm tired. I'm lonely and cooped up. I know some women just forge on with their lives and the baby goes along with them and that's that. For some reason, I haven't come even close to mastering this. What would free me to do so? A house (so I didn't have to sit quietly while he naps lest I wake him up)? A car (so I could go places in inclement weather or places far away)? A lobotomy (so I could chill the eff out)?

I really don't know if any of the above would make a difference. If you go back and read any old post on this blog, I'm probably talking about how hard something in my life is or how unhappy I am. Baby or before. It's pitiful and sad. I would love to be happier. I would love to know how to do that. What a waste it is, to drag yourself through every day, missing what's good about it and only feeling what's bad. What a shame that I have such an awesome little son that I can't truly enjoy because I'm such a miserable bastard. A miserable fat bastard as the English say...

Poor kid, you are probably thinking. Well he would be, if he were stuck with me all the time. But he's not. He has grandparents and a happy dad and a mom who tries her damnedest most of the time. I've heard it said that most moms are best during a certain time of their child's life. For example; really good at mothering a teenager or a toddler or an infant. I think I'll be best at having a school age child. I think that's when my skills will come in the most handy.

I'm not really shining forth on the infant stage. It's tough man. It's tough. I find myself envying the age-ed. Retired old people who slowly do their thing. It's warped and misinformed I know. I just have this idyllic vision of a life where you just putter around and no one needs you for anything really. It sounds terrible doesn't it? I know for a fact some of those people would tell me I was a retard for not enjoying my life in the full swing of things.

Honestly, I don't know how to be happy. No matter where I am, or what I'm doing, this blog is a testament to the fact that I simply don't know how to be happy.

Prison break!

I am slow to adapt. It's taken me nearly 7 months to adjust to certain things about having a baby:

1. Sleep. You don't get much. Period. The end.

For a long time I kept hoping this would change. Oh, maybe tonight is the night!! Yeah right. There are some parents who smugly proclaim: Oh, my baby slept through the night starting at 2 seconds old. He sleeps 23 hours at a time. Yeah? Good for you jerk, is what I have to say to that.
Really though, acceptance has been a big factor in mood alteration on this topic. It's less frustrating if you just accept.

2. Help-take it. Don't feel guilty.

This is how parenting is bearable. With help! Friends, family, cartoons. Every day, a person needs even just a little bit of help, and by help, that can simply mean company, a phone call, dropping off a bag of cookies...

Bigger help is important too. Time off. One hour even. It makes a huge difference.

3. Live the way you want. Whether that's following a schedule or not.

Me? I loves me a schedule and thankfully, so does Leon. I tried to challenge this for a long time. I kept feeling it was too rigid and we should be able to be more adventurous and spontaneous. Phooey. We wake, eat, sleep and play on schedule and if it gets knocked off kilter, no one here is happy. So if that means the only time I have to do anything is a one and a half hour window between 2 and 3:30, so be it. I am so much happier after accepting this and ceasing to push Leon and I into doing more than we can handle.

4. A special place. Get one. Mine is the bathroom. It's an oasis. Even if I just go in for a pee, it's a moment alone to gather myself.

There is a window in my bathroom that looks out onto sky and trees. It never ceases to calm me and help me collect my thoughts. In the early morning, the leaves blow gently in the dawn light. At night, stars peek through the leaves and the moon shines if it's the right time of night. In the afternoon, blue sky beams above the trees. No matter how withered or outside myself or tired I feel, I look out that window and my shoulders relax, my head clears and I take a deep breath and think: The world is big and life is larger than this moment.

I especially love this window at night. I wake up numerous times with Leon still. We nurse, I rock him to sleep and then I go pee. In bed, I always feel like: good lord, do I seriously have to be awake right now? When I get to the bathroom though, I look out the window, the leaves may be blowing or they may be still, the sky may be speckled with stars or it may be clouded an opaque navy blue, either way, I think to myself: What a lovely night. How nice to be here noticing how calm and quiet the night is. And then I go back to bed, knowing that it's not all for naught. This is a capsule in time, my life right now, but things will change. Things will expand.

5. Leon. He is awesome.

Everyday he grows a bit and everyday it's rewarding to see him do his thing. I'm excited for each new thing he has to learn or discover and it pivots me forward. It takes a while for this to kick in. At first, babies just lay around and don't do a whole heck of a lot, but then all of a sudden, they start blossoming into giant, vibrant flowers of humanity and it's pretty groovy to help them get there.

Sometimes I wonder if this is how prisoners cope. It sounds terrible to equate the two, but I wonder. This going day by day, moment by moment way of life...finding small things to focus on and looking toward the future...also, the whole, having a small window to view a piece of the world with. Luckily, my window doesn't have bars on it and I am not incarcerated. I just have a baby that slows down life and brings in the scope of things for a while. I didn't know how to dig it at first, but I think I'm starting to get it now.

6 month triumph (not the band)

6 months baby yeah! I so mega did it and I am so impressed with myself. Honestly, 2 months ago, 3 months ago, I didn't know if I would make it breastfeeding all the way to 6 months, but as of today, I have officially done it. In your face milk supply and various other obstacles! From here on in, any extra time I do is icing on the breast milk cake. "Ew!", you say. Don't knock it till you've tried it.

So that milestone is reached. Realistically, I have another 6 to go, but I don't think they'll be as challenging.

Sleep however... well, ladies and gentlebens, that's a whole other kettle of stinky, stinky fish. Man oh man does L ever not sleep good. I mean up every hour, all night, every night.

When you are that sleep deprived and frustrated and despairing, it would be lying to say that, even if just for a moment, the thought of packaging up the baby to send to Santa Claus to be raised as a toy making elf doesn't start to seem like an inevitability if something doesn't give. Of course neither T or I would ever, ever do that, or anything even close, but a primal part of our brains, that is gunning for our own survival does suggest the option to us at 4am after 13 attempts to get L to sleep only to have him wake the second we put him down each time. In short, dude is not good at sleeping. Don't think we haven't tried every scientific, unscientific or downright kooky solution we've come across. I can only pray (another result of a sleepless brain) that he will grow out of this very very soon.

Were you wondering if having a baby would cramp your style at all? Hah! Heck yes it will. It will double-dog cramp your friggin style. And then some. I dream of the day when I can have a long shower, or watch a tv show, or go see a movie. Drawing or sewing seem like a very distant mist on the horizon across the ocean on another planet.

L, you are lucky you are so cute and smart and squishy and warm and good smelling! If babies weren't so appealing, we'd all drop them off at the nearest church doorstep by the 1st month!

I'm so shocked Monsterteeth! Babies are God's gift from the whispers of angels! Raising a baby is a joyful privilege from baby jesus!!

Yes, but it also sucks a whole lot at least half of the time and will challenge your inner strength and energy reserves like a marathon in a war...(note: some people actually do all 3. Some people have babies while moving across countries during a war. My Oma for example. This humbles me and blows my mind. Humans do what we must do I guess.)

It's hard to remember that, when you are exhausted, staring bleary eyed at the little human that kept you up all night. All you want to do is sleep, but he wants you to hold him and play and keep him happy and feed him and stop him from crying and you wonder how you are ever going to get through another day, but you do and you go to bed and you know you won't sleep more than an hour at a time again that night, so you resign yourself to it and you get through it and in between those tough hours, night and day, your baby flashes a smile or giggles or just smells really good and you remember that it really is amazing and awesome that he was born and is there in front of you growing and being a little tiny person.

As my other grandmother, (who did a year and a half long no sleep marathon with her first child all on her own) reminded me, I am lucky to have the help of my own grandparents. They have been seeing our raggedy ass mugs( T and I) and L's perfect, cherub cheeked, alabaster mug nearly every day lately. All hail my parents for the degree of relief they provide. I highly recommend buying your self some good parents if you haven't already got some!

It is due to their aid that I am able to type this right now. I'm even going to watch a movie! I am so stoked! It's like Christmas!

L, you are 6 months old today. You make us tired, but you are the most beautiful, charming baby so we forgive you. Happy 6 monthiversary little dude.

Who you calling space trash?

You know when you can't fall asleep at night because you are thinking: What if I have to hurl myself through a wall of fire while holding my son...will I be able to protect him? Will my hair burn off? If I have to drop him out the window in a pulley made of sheets while I am on fire, will I be able to do it?

Oh, you don't think such things?

Last night it was space trash. I started worrying about all the space trash in orbit and wondering what happens if it gets knocked out of orbit and goes hurtling to the far reaches of the universe, upsetting the delicate balance of all things with a horrible chain reaction of mass destruction?

2 nights ago, it was the CERN large hadron collider in Switzerland. I mean, should people be accelerating particles like that?

It used to be only things related to Leon that would keep me awake. I have a graphic imagination and there are many horrifying scenarios of misfortunes and accidents to be keeping a lady up at night.

Now, it would seem, my brain is opting for some more obtuse examples of worrisome tableaux, if you will.

That, paralleled with a dear son nursing every hour and a half through the night, makes for a rather tense, bleary eyed woman of the world. I mean, really, do I need to be worrying about what Swiss scientists are doing with their sub-atomic particles? It's like being in an airplane and convincing yourself that unless you continue to use your own personal sheer will power to keep the plane in the air, the whole damn thing will nosedive in a fiery, horrible crash ( I do this by the way). Meanwhile, other, more sensible people are on planes getting liquored up and reading vanity fair and snoring and drooling on the stranger seated beside them.

It doesn't end there. My dreams taunt me also. I dream about hateful airplane rides all the time. They are always very scary, always exaggerated in the amount of take offs and landings required and always involve lots of banking and diving and swerving and listing and all those other flight related words. I wake up with my fists clenched and my teeth grinding. Again, the more well balanced gentry would be using bedtime to relax.

Sigh. I really do tire of the endless capacity of my brain to find things to worry about in explicit detail. Here I am at my parents, after a night of not sleeping. The idea is they entertain L, while his ragged mother gets some sleep, but no! I'm hunched over this keyboard instead, because I was just laying in bed awake, writing this blog entry in my head anyway and would have kept repeating it over and over until it was written.

"Release me!", in the great words of the even greater named Englebert Humperdink. His parents were obviously the relaxed sort to not be worrying about giving their son such a name. Release me brain, and let me sleep again.

The unholy and the lulling.

I had a dream where I was wandering around a house, looking for the baby I had to nurse. Someone opened a door to a basement and there, at the bottom of the steps, in the creepy dark, was Gary Busey, waiting. Talk about unholy! The dream ended at that point. No way was I going to nurse Gary Busey, even if he did do a good job at playing Buddy Holly.



I wonder if any Buddy Holly songs make good lullabies. I don't know many traditional lullabies, so I just sing contemporary songs that sound relaxing. My favourite one right now is "Space Oddity". Go ahead. Try it. Sing it quietly to yourself. Makes a great lullaby doesn't it? I bet Buddy Holly's "Everyday" would make a good one too.
"Oh Yoko" works good too.







What would you sing?

Sea sick yet still docked

Wow. 320 posts. I can't believe I've written that many posts. What started as a way to get through a tortuously boring, but well paid work day has become a way to tortuously bore you, dear reader. I hope you are at least getting well paid.

I have L in a wrap on me and I'm rocking from side to side while I type this to keep him asleep. The effect on me is one of sea sickness...blech. Ever since there was a recall of that one type of baby sling that looked like a big hammock bag (that so obviously was not safe for a baby to sleep in), people, who don't know about slings, but know about the recall, look at me like I'm a monster when I go out with him in my sling. They try to peek as if to check that I am carrying a real live child and not a smothered one. Well, thanks total stranger! I would never have thought to verify the aliveness of my son without your concerned cranking of the neck in my direction.

T is playing some weird ass french music that sounds like nintendo games being played overdubbed with what sounds like "on the scene" news reporting from the front lines in french and then all that is mixed by a DJ in a club from a drug-induced dream sequence in a movie where someone is stumbling through a dark dance floor, while the room spins around them and people stick their faces in the way with maniacal expressions and grimaces and strobe lights flash and go-go girls with vampire fangs and real blood on their mouths gyrate in cages.

It has the effect of sea sickness...try it here : blech!

L is stirring. Must go walk circles to keep him in a sleep trance.

Full mit chokolaten

We are so moved in. Hell of moved in. Well, actually, the pictures are still not hung, but apart from that, the boxes have been opened, the shelves have been filled, the toys have been strewn about...it's home now.

Bonuses: we live across the street from a massive Italian grocery store that has every specialty item in the universe. Amazing sandwiches with sun dried tomatoes and artichoke and asiago pate and roasted red peppers...fresh baked stuff, fresh fish, ten trillion kinds of chocolate and cookies, a bakery, gelato...it's endless.

Drawbacks: We live across the street from a massive Italian grocery store that will make me fat and poor!

What a different life we live now. We see people. Almost everyday we talk to people.



We see shops and long tree-lined streets with sidewalks and everything.



Back where we were, sidewalks were often a privilege not a right, as in, maybe there would be one on one side of the street, maybe not.

We have a bathtub instead of just a shower so we can give L his baths which he loves.



We have cement floors that don't creak every time you blink and wake up the baby that you just spent one hour trying to get to sleep. We have a big sunny kitchen that is a pleasure to sit in and have a morning tea and bowl of cereal or a lunchtime sandwich or an evening bowl of rice and vegetables.

There are big trees outside of all of our windows and even the sound of traffic isn't that different from the sound of waves after a while.

L is growing up. He's trying to talk and sit up on his own and has succeeded in getting his foot in his mouth after a month of trying everyday! His dad makes him laugh, sometimes just at the mere sight of him, but often, because of his ability to dance and smile and talk like a crazy man. L likes the crazy a lot.

He is a mellow, happy dude who enjoys a good walk, a good nap, and a good foot in the mouth.



Everyone has been helpful like crazy already and we are glad we picked up stakes and braved the 7 levels of hell that is moving house. Now then, next time I move, I swear to jeebus that I will torch everything I own and start all over. But the next time I move better not be for quite a while...like, when I'm 60 maybe?

If you'd asked me 10 years ago, would I be moving back to my hometown ever, I'd have emphatically replied that such an occurrence would only be post-head injury or in the midst of feverish insanity. Well 10 years ago I was 26 and 26 years olds are stoopid. So whatever. Life right? It's a kooky kooky ride mama.

Who knows where we will end up and when, but right now, we are here and so it is.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, smell ya later.

Adapting to change is something I am not very good at historically. Laying in bed a few nights ago, I calculated that I've moved about 15 times in the past 16 years. Each time, I go through a wistful longing for what I must leave behind, always in an overly dramatic fashion.

Of all the places I've lived, I'd say this is the one I should feel the most
bittersweet regret about.

The past few evenings, after getting L to sleep, I'd lie on the couch as the sun sets and just quietly listen to the outside. Here is what I heard each time: A red wing blackbird with it's nest on our roof, chirping, a mother duck calling out to it's ducklings that nest near our wall by the river edge, waves of the river rolling over the currents, the occasional airplane passing high above and other than that...silence. That, my friends, is something I should be expecting to pine over, after I leave it behind.

However, instead of worrying if I've made a grave error in deciding to move, which is what I usually do, I just feel ready this time. Maybe, after 15 tries, I'm getting better at it. Maybe, I'm too sleep-deprived to care? Maybe, I'm just so looking forward to life being a little more convenient and having friends and family closer by for us and for L to grow up with and know these people, that all the sensitive sentimentality I usually feel, is just not getting any ice time.

So back to civilization, back to neighbours and the centre of town, back to Ontari-ari-o we go.

Bye-bye river, bye-bye quiet, bye-bye taking 12 buses and trains to get anywhere, bye-bye social isolation and bye-bye freezing our friggin asses off in the winter. Bye-bye to this little white shack on the water. 'Twas nice knowing you, you served me well, but smell ya later.

We have a new phone number, a new address and they roll delightfully off the tongue. I've purged a good deal of wordly possesions and plan on purging even more. Fresh start, fresh walls and all that hopefull jazz.

The Avett Brothers say: "When you run make sure you run to something and not away from..." True dat! Word.

I've been drinking the most awful smoothy while typing this. We're trying to use up what's left in the fridge. You're picturing a smoothy made from old apples and relish and hotdog buns? Well, it's not that bad. It has almond milk and thawed mangoes and peaches and strawberries...sounds ok so far, but then I added some hemp powder for protein and fibre. Hemp powder sort of congeals after it sits for a while and turns things brownish green and stays grainy like fine sand. Mmmm. Makes you want to go have a smoothy huh? I should have just ate some cold pizza like I was tempted to.

Anyway, one more day here. Tomorrow it's me and L on the train together for 6 hours, annoying the crap out of all the snooty snoots in first class (I splurged). Wish us luck.

Now I go dump this evil in a glass and get do-overs on breakfast.

Awkward Family Moments

I have not laughed so hard in so long. This site rules.

Probably could start a whole other blog on this topic...

Current songs obsessively running through head:





What are yours?